Uni Squads

Fear grips this city, as impending terror hangs in the air. Thick, like a rotting stench. Anticipation of this neighborhoods next unfortunate encounter just might be our last.

The UNI’S ride tall, and in great numbers they swarm. No traditional wrench in the spoke treatment prevails. For they are much too agile and cunning.

On any corner they may huddle. Dressed in a midnight black head to toe spandex uniform, and peddling feverishly from side to side. Sometimes, in what appears  to be a disorganized frenzy, these sick carney rejects unfurl a dazzling display of organization and focus when necessary. In an instant, they pounce, with their characteristic Command and Control approach to governing.

Keen they are, cognizant to our every form of communication. We’ve tried it all. From common bird calls to primitive hand signals and at times, even smoke signals. Our fear stricken neighborhood now has resorted to classic Anne Frank tactics, like passing notes, which are hurriedly burned in total secrecy.

It seems, under tightening government control policies and fears of social unrest, the Police Communities found a useful tool to expand their Gestapo rule.

Compassionate knowledge, deep from within the underground, report UNI breeding is showing a sharp decline from overexposure to none other than their banana seated throne. An unbelievably simple case of inadequate testosterone levels!

For we wonder, in our collective melancholy, that perhaps there is a God?

A reminiscent demise of the dreaded, Meter Maid Squads over a decade ago.

Ultimately their numbers dwindled, solely due to their savage penchant for eating their own at birth. And in due time, their steely grip loosened, and peace and equality reigned, until this unfortunate saga sprang fourth, unveiling these roving Unicycle vigilantes which have ruled our meek existence with just a single wheel.

My children know not the childhood I had. These oppressors forbade any riding of traditional bicycles. Unicycles have become mandatory, with the “univision” of a well skilled future of able recruits.  Today, for today, our childrens’ faces are scarred by their failed pursuits of attempting to ride vertically, on this bizarre carnival spectacle.

If the children are our future, then ours wear the distinct mark of this generations sour condition.

For I believe, the Skippers will liberate us. They are our elite, our finest. Operating in shadows yet binding the fearful together as a whole. The Skippers leister was a commoner among us. His former, a local neer do well exemplifying slothy qualities, a lousy dreamer. Seven. He’s known now as seven. The architect of our resistance, the bearer of light in our darkest hour. Seven dreamed and dreamed he did, for in all his wonder, he calculated that the simple act of skipping may indeed dispel an attack by the Uni. It’s close, our dance with destiny waits, soon, we will advance.

(KNOCK at DOOR).

We must veer, we will convene soon.

10 Twisted Museums

 

Ripping through my mind like a high voltage electric shock of disbelief, writing this piece had me reeling with laughter and astonishment. I admit initially, I underestimated this topic of strange museums. It was an assignment for Associated Content and hey, it looked fun. And Hey, it was.

First and foremost it is impossible to arrange these museums in a matter of importance, or a structured best to worst or worst to best for that matter. Like I stated above my head is still reeling…..

OK, we must begin somewhere. Let us scamper to none other than a Plano, Texas essential must see.

THE COCKROACH HALL OF FAME MUSEUM.

Now listen up here, you katsaridaphobia suffering pansies, this museum will either make you or break you, so visit at your own risk!

Tucked away near South fork Ranch (where they filmed the TV show Dallas) is a place called The Pest Store. Displayed are a number of roach dioramas. “Liberoache” tops the list of stunner’s. However, the most intricate is a mechanical Psycho display where a little roach dressed in a housecoat and wig skirts along a tiny track from the Bates Roach motel office to Room 1, with a mini knife in its creepy cockroach hand.

Beware not all the insects are dead. Inside you will find a “live” display of monster exotic hissing roaches which recoil and “hiss” if you touch them. That is, if you want to touch them!

Next, let us head over yonder to our next psychotic museum which just happens to share the Great State of Texas (Texas topping the list with 2 weird museums)! Step inside Huntsville’s own,

TEXAS PRISON MUSEUM.

Fancy yourself an eye full of art constructed by some incredibly bored inmates. And in a state that annually incarcerates approximately 150,000 offenders with a 2.5 billion dollar annual budget. That means plenty of free UN-commissioned art in the future! Move over auto license plate crafting and expose your inner Warhol. In existence since 1989 this museum offers up a intriguing  glance into the lives of Texas’s least-loved citizens. Moving from inmate expression to the Capital Punishment Exhibit. Displays an abundance of execution memorabilia such as “Old Sparky,” the decommissioned electric chair in which 361 prisoners were executed between 1924 and 1964. Let’s not forget to take time to ponder the genius of the Prison Contraband Exhibit. This is a collection of prisoner constructed make shift weapons that reveal the sinister creativity always hidden just below the surface of a gentle axe killer. Y’all come back now, ya hear?

Texas is disturbing me, let’s jump the pond and browse Kent, England’s,

DOG-COLLAR MUSEUM.

This flee-bitten exhibition showcases antique dog collars which tell over 500 years of canine history, the museum itself is located inside of Leeds Castle, and attracts more than 500,000 visitors every year. The dog collar collection counts over 100 unique items that present the history of canine-wear starting from early medieval times to the Victorian Age. Engraved silver collars from the last century, some created by leading silversmiths of the day, Like an 18th century English brass collar that simply states; “I am Mr Pratt’s Dog, King St, Nr Wokingham, Berks. Whose Dog are You?” So take that into account the next time Paris Hilton flaunts her next Pygmy pup in all of it’s bling bling splendor.

While still in bland foggy Great Britain one must see the most boring of all museums. Introducing,

The CUMBERLAND DERWENT PENCIL MUSEUM of Keswick, Cumbria, UK.

Visit this miserable corner of the Lake District and spend six and a half hours looking at the worlds largest pencil and try to figure out a way to impale yourself on it’s pointy tip. Bland as the English food this place reeks of boredom, let us travel on please.

While still in Europe why not go to church in Italy.

THE CHURCH OF THE DEAD MUSEUM that is. Located in Urbania, Italy.

Though a little known fact, over the years churches have played a large part in intentional mummification, a practice which ended in the late 1800s when it was finally made illegal. The discovery of natural mummies under churches was an unintended consequence of the Napoleonic Edict of Saint-Cloud handed down in 1804, which forbade burial in churches and within settlements for hygienic reasons. Churches, like The Church of The Dead in Urbania, began to move their internal cemeteries to new ones outside city limits. Excavators found (to their horror) that corpses buried below or within these churches did not decay as one might expect–the bodies still contained flesh and hair. Truly a gruesome glimpse into Italy’s past.

America the beautiful here we come! Lets jump back across the great pond near Boston Mass. Where we arrive at our next stop,

THE MUSEUM OF BAD ART in Dedham Square, Massachusetts.

Proving beauty is indeed in the eyes of the beholder. This is a unique presentation you simply wont find in any traditional gallery. Not just a collection of trash art, more so a housing of independent works from local North East residents. Most everything is for sale at a reasonable fee. Covering about every genera from kids, crafts to sports, books and even bad art greeting cards. This is a pleasant change from our tour so far, so don’t forget to linger here for a minute.

Now lets hit the road and head west. We will be working our way back to Los Angeles so I can go to sleep and you may hit the beach! Stopping next at

THE MUSEUM OF BARBED WIRE in where else? La Crosse, Kansas.

Now don’t get caught up to long working your way around this bizarre museum. The days of the open range are all but silenced by this simple invention. History has often referred to as the “Devils Rope”. On exhibit are over 2000 barbed wire varieties; including samples manufactured between the years 1870 and 1890. Hundreds of antique fencing tools illustrate the inventiveness of pioneers. Don’t miss one of the most unusual specimens in the museum, an authentic Ravens nest built primarily of barbed wire. This mighty nest is a monumental tribute to the ingenuity of our feathered friends.

Do hurry we must travel to Burlingame California indeed, to visit and taste our next stop

THE MUSEUM OF PEZ MEMORABILIA.

This should elevate your glucose levels to near diabetic proportions perusing the walls of this place!

Their pez exhibit is paramount. Containing everything that is associated with the pez legacy. Every toy and candy stares at you with tempting delight. If only, they weren’t hidden under glass to protect their wishes of be consumed, this place would simply not exist to tease future visitors. Luckily the place has a noteworthy store so you may stock up on enough sugar to get us down to southern California where we will visit the second to last odd museum on our journey.

The MUSEUM OF TOLERANCE. Located at 9786 West Pico Blvd, Los Angeles, CA.

One can only describe a visit to this museum as riveting. In the end you can easily understand the the message of tolerance. Yet initially you will leave disturbed to put it mildly. In fact you may even question humanities evolution in the way of compassion towards our fellow man.

From The Holocaust Exhibit to The Tolerance Center your senses will be flooded with man made devastation on a wold wide scale. Days, weeks, months, even years after visiting you won’t tear the images from your skull.

And speaking of skulls, lets finally wind down this off the wall experience with our final stop.

The Museum of Death.

Glistening like a tomb in the warm California sun and located on the boulevard of broken dreams at 6031 Hollywood Blvd Hollywood, CA. There couldn’t be a better location for this museum.

Perched beside a doctors ofc give it a sense of irony and once in side you’ll be immersed in everything past tense. Bathe yourself in the morbid. The Museum of Death houses the worlds largest collection of Serial Murderer Artwork, Photos of the Charles Manson Crime Scenes, the Guillotined Severed Head of the Blue Beard of Paris, Henri Landru, Original Crime Scene and Morgue Photos from the Grisly BLACK DAHLIA MURDERS, a Body Bag and Coffin collection, replicas of Full Size Execution Devices, Mortician and Autopsy Instruments, Pet Death Taxidermy, and much much more! You will find there is no age limit and as their website states, “because we all die”!

Now you sickos’ get lost, and go soak up some sunshine. This has been a taxing trip for us all.

By,

toddcomplex@hotmail.com

 

Permanent Marker Burglars

It’s sunday and I’m tired. I have way to many assignments to sit and waste time commenting on ridiculousness!

However, I couldn’t resist after spying this piece while researching some information.

Stunning, I couldn’t believe what I had seen. The bar for stupid human tricks has just been raised by these two.

Enter one, Joey Lee Miller, 20, of Carroll, Iowa.

 

 

 

 

 

And cohort, Matthew Allan McNelly, 23 also of Carroll, Iowa.

These guys triumph in brain drain skills. Operating in unison, on only a single brain cell, they have now achieved a feat that millions of promotion starved entrepreneurial spirits can only dream.

Media.

Everyone is over thinking. Obviously, the key to garnishing the media’s attention is as quick and easy as common reckless stupidity.

No, one doesn’t need fame to achieve this! Again, we are over complicating things.

Listen, these two are now legends and you, are reading about them not the other way around, get it?

Unveiled october 28, 2009 as The Permanent Marker Burglars.

Police had no trouble identifying two men accused of trying to break into a Carroll apartment. Police pulled over a car matching the alleged suspects’ vehicle. Inside the car, officers found two men with their faces blackened with permanent marker.

Neither man had a weapon and both men were released after posting bond.

Think about that the next time you hire a pricey publicist or ad agency to do your promotion.

Wind

It’s windy again, in Hollywood, CA. Our wind is different from other wind.

This wind is dry and brittle. Gusts raging at 70+ mph wash across Los Angeles like a thirsty whirl pool.

From where i sit at the time of this writing, I can see downtown LA from my window. The air is filled with everything un-tethered. It’s grey in color and looks like fog. But it’s not. It’s dry and roughly 78 Fahrenheit.

Wind always creates a unique atmosphere. Unsettling, and intrusive, it invades your disposition. Confrontational, it smacks your face and shoves you around from side to side.

Wind behaves differently from rain, that stampedes then lingers, until it decides to over saturate our yearning to claim ourselves a part of nature itself.

The wind puts on a violent show, resembling an anarchist protest at its climax.

If you choose to hide indoors, generally you are safe from the tension.

Once outside, you are immediately engaged by the swirl of energy.

Struggling to hold composure, disoriented by the conflict, you smart march towards your destination. Breathing in dust and fighting tears created by miniscule earthly fibers, hurled like missiles by natures lawless melee.

Days later it calms, then slows to a stop.

The atmosphere settles like a life-sized snow globe concocted of dust, smog and other unknown vapors.

Now, a fair stillness reclaims its city.

And once again Hollywood’s hair can stay in place!

The Redwood Bar

Like hidden loot, The Redwood Bar satisfies your inner pirate like a fresh shot of grog, matey!
Tucked away on 316 W. 2nd St. in downtown Los Angeles, The Redwood is an oasis for the tattooed urban pirate.
Intimate and comfortable. Step into the galley and grab a seat in a relaxing captains chair and feast on culinary delights from around the world.
Night time, unveils a dazzling display of live musical talent, unrivaled in this city of angels.
Though you won’t find any Angels here, aargggg! This place smites the angelic in nature.
Suddenly, the sound of a kick drum, the roar of a guitar and as the volume rises, an insolent sneer washes across the faces packed inside.
The redwood reeks of vibe, and is a last bastion for all who dare!

( The Redwood Bar & Grill is conveniently located right next to the

Civic Center Red Line Metro Stop. Check the MTA website for timings.

http://www.metro.net ).

Mon-Fri 11am-2am
Sat 5pm-2am
Sun 11am-2am
Happy Hour M-F 4pm-7pm.

- See their bloody website for details matey.

http://www.theredwoodbar.com

SLEEP AMERICA

Seems like simple logic, however the hidden ingredient in good health seems to be the obvious, SLEEP! Impossible to comprehend for a Get it to Go culture. New research findings run in stark contradiction to the complex mind, ever probing for unknown answers into our mysterious human existence.

Too little sleep has become a health nightmare for many Americans.
Chronic sleep loss making us fatter and sicker, CDC warns.
Late-night TV watching, Internet surfing contributes largely to our sleepless indulgences.
And all this sleeplessness can be a nightmare for your mental and physical health, CDC experts cautioned, calling sleep loss an under-recognized public health problem.
Troubling statistics, sleep experts say chronic sleep loss is associated with obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure, stroke, cardiovascular disease, depression, cigarette smoking and excessive drinking.
The CDC surveyed 19,589 adults in four states. Ten percent reported they did not get enough sleep or rest every single day of the prior month, and 38 percent said they did not get enough in seven or more days in the prior month.
The CDC survey was conducted in New York, Hawaii, Delaware and Rhode Island, asking people how many days in the prior month they got insufficient rest or sleep, without asking specifically how many hours they slept.
But the CDC released nationwide data collected separately showing that across all age groups, the percentage of adults reporting sleeping six hours or fewer a night increased from 1985 to 2006.
The National Sleep Foundation recommends adults get seven to nine hours of sleep a night. Children ages 5 to 12 should get nine to 11 hours and those 11 to 17 need 8-1/2 to 9-1/2 hours.
Today 50 to 70 million Americans suffer from chronic sleep loss and sleep disorders in a country of 300 million.
Darrel Drobnich, National Sleep Foundation chief executive officer, added that several thousand people die on U.S. roads yearly in accidents involving drowsy drivers.
“Americans are definitely sleep deprived. They don’t get the amount that even they say that they want,” Drobnich said.

Well now, the facts are in my fellow insomniacs.
Now, go to sleep!

Creep 101

 

-Give Feral cat’s as gifts.
-Signal right but turn left.
-Read your neighbors mail.
-Sign up friends to every type of mailing list.
-Pry
-Smile constantly when people speak to you.
-Smile when speaking to others.
-Hold grudges.
-Point, blame and accuse.
-Disclose personal information about yourself and others to everyone.
-Be Chicken Little.
-Tell children the truth about Santa, Tooth Fairy, etc.
-Underline in borrowed books.
-Tear out key pages in books
-Practice the art of scape goating.
-Steal other peoples taxi’s.
-Send bizarre anonymous packages to co-workers and never tell them u do it as a joke.
-When getting a shot or giving blood, make a spectacle of it.
-Ask a lot of questions, to a lot of people, all of the time.
-Speak very quietly to people, even in loud environments.
-Use diminutives.
-Be a know it all.
-Drive slow.
-Perpetuate lies and myths.
-Give inaccurate directions to people.
-Spam people just for fun.
-Press all the floors when you enter a crowded elevator.
-Flake.
-Tell long stories and try to hold their attention as long as you possibly can, but go nowhere.
-Avoid eye contact.
-When people are in a hurry, stall them at all costs.
-Sabotage everything.
-Jump to conclusions.
-Bounce checks.

American Reconstruction

 

 

 

From the green movement to neo-tea parties, there is without question a battle churning in this un-united states of America.

It has become painfully evident that clearly we stand not, for the values in which we preach. And not, for the constitution in for which we swear. Hypocrisy and apathy hang in the air like a rotting stench and through it we wade, complaining at best. Forever we forgivingly turn the other cheek, meanwhile allowing pure evil to frolic within our daily lives while modeling a mask labeled business as usual. All the while, record productivity cavort with common greed, to perform a twirling psychotic ballet of epic proportions. Careening our society into in a circular pattern from which we will never seem to break free. Simply put, by firmly addressing our obvious differences it may help to avert our repetition of human neglect and moral failure. irrefutable before the united states may effectively progress into the future we should boldly address the two, possibly three view points of its citizens.

Unwavering in compromise, these ideologies continually struggle to compete, only further propelling the chaos.

Recklessly we have conservative fighting liberal and a fringe that despises both. All in an exhausting drama acted out on a world-wide media stage that tires even the most tabloid obsessed zealot. TMZ may soon find their hands bloodied from the details if we do not put forward our conveniently veiled good character and do the right thing, face the facts!

Plainly, I have become aware that we simply cannot live within the same borders.

We need to re-analyze succession not as a boogeyman but as a possibility for our fractured nation to rekindle some good old-fashioned brotherly love.

Before a brand new civil war explodes upon our reality.

Ponder the possibility of the united states of america standing together as a divided nation. Think more in terms of duplex living arrangements. Rather bicker and spat constantly under one roof, why not give ourselves some much-needed space, and retreat into our respective sanctioned territories and cool off. Focusing on a solution for once instead of political narcissism.

Maybe, Succession wasn’t the cause of the civil unrest of the 1860′s?

Perhaps, it was the neglected responsibilities of our politicians to properly address the issues tugging at the heart-strings of the people they were sworn to protect and represent. Instead they opted for ego and foolish pride.

Consider this a warning these self-interest fire breathers once again are stirring the cauldron in which we boil.

My Neighborhood

http://www.laindependent.com/news/local/hollywood/53216212.html

Have fun reading.  And don’t pester me about being paranoid.

Blood Flicking in the 90028.

Blood flicking is the latest rage in the 90028. A trend that strikes obvious fear in the unsuspecting victim. Wielding a hypo full of blood these cretins have total control. Anyone would surrender their belongings, rather than accept 10cc’s of blood splashing onto their face and open mouths.

Hollywood Blvd never lets me relax. It’s a place where it goes from tranquil to panic in a flash. Be it sunny or a typical fair evening, nothing calms the human animal. Nothing!

Paranoia and the tension churn with the oblivious to create this special unpredictable stew of emotion. A special recipe that few taste.

Consider yourself lucky if you don’t choke on it!